Wanna Stay Friends With Your Guy Friends? Hook 'Em Up!

This isn't just about any one guy friend, but I've been thinking a lot about this topic lately. I don't have very many guys who are friends, so the ones I do have, I cherish very much. So it got me thinking... if these guys hook up with booches (for lack of a better word) that I don't know personally, I may lose an awesome guy from my life. I'll explain.

Not gonna lie, I'm ridiculously good-looking (homage to Zoolander), at least enough to make random insecure women with daddy-issues very nervous. I can't help that. Honestly, I don't blame them. (Ladies, you must know my intentions are pure and it's not even like that with your boys.) So, if and/or when I lose a boy to a relationship because I happened to call their girl a whore and they stayed together (high school, true story... hey, her name rhymed with whore), how is that my fault?

Case in point. One of my guy friends is about to marry one of my girl friends. Coincidence? I think not. Granted, I didn't push them together, but they found each other. And guess what, I can stay friends with him and her forever! So you're figuring out this is all about me. Good, you catch on quickly.

His ex-lady before was kinda a big, ugly meanie who literally shoulder bumped me at a soccer game for talkin' to her man. Who DOES THAT?! See what happens to you! Now, if they stayed together any longer, we may have lost touch, and I can't risk having that.

I have another friend who is on/off with his trainer girlfriend. She's the only girl that gets it. Not threatened by me at all (but she also comes off as very naive). She should know I've known her man long before she laid eyes on him, and since he calls me his "wifey", and he's my "husband," she knows where she stands. And I love them both. Win-win.

My last example has a girlfriend whom I've never met (don't even know the name). Granted, haven't seen him in ages, but IM is a good medium (you know who you are). Only thing is, now that he has a girlfriend whom I've never met, I'll just assume she'll immediately dislike me and that's the end of that. I don't feel I can call and hang out, because the girl might get all fatal attraction on my ass and take it the wrong way. I have to respect certain boundaries. If someone's lady doesn't want me calling or texting her man, no matter how innocent, I get that.

Still sucks. So what's the solution? Hook your guy friends up with your girl friends!



Easy Peasy. You could double date with ease, call up your boys to go see a movie, maybe grab some Chavelas (awesome beer with lemon, salt in a goblet), and call it a day, and his girlfriend will never get pissed with you because they know you got their back. Plus, your guy friends could play your wingman and hook you up for all the joy and happinesss you've brought them. Like I said, win-win! I'm such a good, selfless person.

Hot Geek Of The Week: Jimmy Fallon as Robert Pattinson

Q: Whaaa, Jimmy Fallon isn't hot enough to get picked on his own and needs a real-life alter ego to make your list????

A: Yup.

Anyone who rocks a bad British accent, sits in a tree, and makes me laugh definitely scores enough points to sky rocket to the top of my Geek of the Week list. Although, I dunno, I'd classify Jimmy boy as more of a dork. Besides, "Robert Pattinson" is bothered... so I'm bothered... Bothered laughing my arse off. You can find all his crazy shenanigans at:

http://www.robertisbothered.com/.

God Bless you JF, for being you being RP. XOXO, Pistol.

Counter-Point: Ryan Buell is a Douche

Apparently there are people out there that don't happen to think Ryan Buell from Paranormal State is the cat's meow. Ryan Buell happens to be my type: Someone completely unavailable and doesn't live in the same state as me... you'd think we were meant. However, sometimes, people may not always agree with me that he's super awesome. I figure it's only fair to get another person's side of the story.

Sandy, a good friend and brand-spanking new local correspondent to this blog, fills me in on her thoughts on everything Ryan Buell. I came to know her insight after hearing she was talking mad smack about my boo on the radio.

Sandy:

"I'll be honest - watching 'Paranormal State' wasn't always easy for me. It wasn't because I started hearing 'noises' in my own house midway through an episode. It wasn't because I had to leave the lights on in several other rooms, or watch a half-hour of sh*tty reality TV afterwards, to 'de-spook' myself.

It was because I thought Ryan was a big, big douchebag.

I don't even know why, to tell you the truth. Something about his monotone voice, lack of expression, emotion, etc. really bothered me. That and the fact that he'd come into people's houses - people who were scared, vulnerable and borderline losing their minds - and they'd cry while confessing to him their life story... and he'd just sit there... and stare at them.

Look, I realize your half-ghost yourself, Ryan Buell, but when people are crying and in hysterics, you can at least do them the decency of acting like a human. Here are some things you can do:

* Put your arm on their shoulder.

* Say, 'I'm sorry you're going through this.'

* Give them a hug.

* Or just TELL them: 'I hear you, I am listening, I am just incapable of showing emotion because I am part-vampire.'

And that's about it - my only real gripe.

Aside from that, I pretty much want to make out with him."

I'm back.

I've decided after a long break from the blog biz, and an already shaky start to 2010, that people needed my blog again. So without much further ado, I will be writing again. It was one of my resolutions and more of an excuse to write more about Ryan Buell from Paranormal State (I don't mind exploiting him, I get more hits that way).... Ryan Buell, Ryan Buell, Ryan Buell.... do I have your attention now? Let's do this.

Is It Just Me Or...

Is it wrong to find Doritos crumbs in the bathroom of your employment right where you place your feet (as a lady of course) when you sit down. Think about it, how or why did it get there?

I Want A Song Written About Me - Mat Kearney Are You Listening?

Hey Mat Kearney, yeah, you listenin'? Pistol here. I want a song written about me.

I've decided that is one of my life's goals. I think someone should write a song about me. And seeing that he's the most recent musician that I'm going to see tomorrow at one of my work functions, then yes, he should be the one puttin' pen to paper.

There's been so many songs written about hot chicks, why can't I be one of them? Wasn't "Layla" written by Eric Clapton for George Harrison's wife cuz she was a ho like that? I'm probably making up stuff because that is what I do and it's fun.

Back to the subject: The Song.. about me. Now, I don't want the Alanis Morrisette treatment. I want something sweet and lyrical. Something The Ting Tings would sing in melody, but sung by a dude, which would THEN be turned into a song that a chick could sing (i.e. "she" lyrics would be turned into "he" and whatnot).

The reason I think it should be Mat to write a song about me are these:

1. We have a connection (@ least in my mind). What I mean by this is I've met him a few times and the first couple times he was a major flirt, giving me the ojitos (the long eyelash thing, you know what I'm talking about), and wanted to keep taking pics with me. Do I blame him? No.

2. He wanted copies of said pictures the next time I saw him... which I GAVE him the next time I saw him. Did anything come out of it? No, but I have no regrets and he did remember that he made that request.

3. We had beers together. Surely, that must lead to some inspiration for a song. And finally...

4. I would think he's cute even if he wasn't a musician and if he like lived with his mom or something (see, something in common). In fact, he's super my type so I wish he wasn't quasi-famous so we can hang out. If that was the case, he should get a real job and not that part-time janitorial gig to pay for his jam sessions (this is the scenario I have in my head)

I think I've made my point. Hey Mat, I guess you can say I have "Nothing Left to Lose"... get it? Like your song? Brilliant.

I Have A Girlfriend!!!.... According To The Local Drunk Fisherman

It's Friday night. Vicky B and I decide to grab a drink, and by we I mean me. Just one. "We" decided it would be classy to drink at the local Red Lobster as I have never experienced the awesomeness of the bar-area. We go. No room at the inn. There's no other bar around worth going to... but there IS the Regal Beagle. That's what we call the local "pub" attached to a restaurant from the 70's. It's pretty bad like the faux name suggests ala the reference to the bar in Three's Company. Let's just say it has a wall made out out fools gold. You get the picture.

It was just bad enough that Vicky B had to be coaxed into going and good enough for me to grab a quick brew (so not a beer girl, but Hefeweizen w/ lots of lemon appeals to my Latin side). We enter the fine establishment and decide to sit in the corner because it's one of those wood-paneled places where every creepy perv looks you up and down because they're drunk enough to believe they actually have a chance of a hook up. So we keep a low profile, Vicky B playing bejeweled on my iPod as she is not drinking, and they serve me up a tall one, a huge one (that's what she said).

Can I just say on a side note, that the Regal Beagle has THE best drinking music one could ask for? Granted, it was chosen on a jukebox by other drunkards, but damn, those drinky mcgees have excellent taste. Here's just a sampling off the Regal Beagle Greatest Hits, Vol. 1 that I just made up the name for:

1. Wasted Days & Wasted Nights - Freddy Fender

2. Lying Eyes - The Eagles

3. Another Eagles song that sounds similar to that.

4. The Joker -Steve Miller Band

5. Volver - Vicente Fernandez

6. Always on My Mind - Willie Nelson

I felt like I needed to drown my sorrows and I didn't even know what kind of sorrows I had!

Back to the story. So there we were chilling. Lord knows we tried to be incognito, but we can't help that we're two cute chicks. All of sudden, a slurring drunken old man comes up to our high table. He keeps telling us how beautiful we both were and how we were the prettiest girls he'd ever seen. Alright, I can get behind the compliment, I'm shallow, but it really was making the both of us quite uncomfortable.

He asked us if we liked to fish... if you know us, you know the answer to that. Then, he kept slurring some mess about we are what we are, we is what we is, referring to Popeye. I kept saying "what he say?" cuz I couldn't hear him over the awesome music and I don't think I wanted to. Then he commanded us to both give him our hand. Us being stupid and scared, we went along with it hesitantly. Hey, you never know if a drunk is gonna get crazy. Let's just say like his hands looked like this:

EWWW!!!!! I can't believe we let him touch us. Had a firm grip on our hands too. But I was so confused and I didn't want him to attack us.

I distinctly heard him call me a "witch" and I was like "oookkaaayyy" and he said "oh oh, it's not a bad thing." So then you know what he did? He brought both Vicky B's and my hand together and it all made sense. He thought my BFF and I were a couple and that I was the DUDE who bewitched her into being with me. All the evidence was stacked up against me. I had my hair in a pony tail, an argyle cardigan, and I was the one drinking a beer. Hey, she could do worse.

So yeah, thanks drunk fisherman guy, I'm sure Vicky B and I will live happily ever after like we were doing already without your intervention. We're pretty hot lesbians apparently.

Thank God for Vicky B's cleanliness because she had wipes on-hand after the incident. We couldn't rub hard enough (that's what she said... again). Can't I just go to a local pub with my friend without being called a les? Drunk fisherman are haters! Well, I had fun.