Is It Just Me Or...

Is it wrong to find Doritos crumbs in the bathroom of your employment right where you place your feet (as a lady of course) when you sit down. Think about it, how or why did it get there?

I Want A Song Written About Me - Mat Kearney Are You Listening?

Hey Mat Kearney, yeah, you listenin'? Pistol here. I want a song written about me.

I've decided that is one of my life's goals. I think someone should write a song about me. And seeing that he's the most recent musician that I'm going to see tomorrow at one of my work functions, then yes, he should be the one puttin' pen to paper.

There's been so many songs written about hot chicks, why can't I be one of them? Wasn't "Layla" written by Eric Clapton for George Harrison's wife cuz she was a ho like that? I'm probably making up stuff because that is what I do and it's fun.

Back to the subject: The Song.. about me. Now, I don't want the Alanis Morrisette treatment. I want something sweet and lyrical. Something The Ting Tings would sing in melody, but sung by a dude, which would THEN be turned into a song that a chick could sing (i.e. "she" lyrics would be turned into "he" and whatnot).

The reason I think it should be Mat to write a song about me are these:

1. We have a connection (@ least in my mind). What I mean by this is I've met him a few times and the first couple times he was a major flirt, giving me the ojitos (the long eyelash thing, you know what I'm talking about), and wanted to keep taking pics with me. Do I blame him? No.

2. He wanted copies of said pictures the next time I saw him... which I GAVE him the next time I saw him. Did anything come out of it? No, but I have no regrets and he did remember that he made that request.

3. We had beers together. Surely, that must lead to some inspiration for a song. And finally...

4. I would think he's cute even if he wasn't a musician and if he like lived with his mom or something (see, something in common). In fact, he's super my type so I wish he wasn't quasi-famous so we can hang out. If that was the case, he should get a real job and not that part-time janitorial gig to pay for his jam sessions (this is the scenario I have in my head)

I think I've made my point. Hey Mat, I guess you can say I have "Nothing Left to Lose"... get it? Like your song? Brilliant.

I Have A Girlfriend!!!.... According To The Local Drunk Fisherman

It's Friday night. Vicky B and I decide to grab a drink, and by we I mean me. Just one. "We" decided it would be classy to drink at the local Red Lobster as I have never experienced the awesomeness of the bar-area. We go. No room at the inn. There's no other bar around worth going to... but there IS the Regal Beagle. That's what we call the local "pub" attached to a restaurant from the 70's. It's pretty bad like the faux name suggests ala the reference to the bar in Three's Company. Let's just say it has a wall made out out fools gold. You get the picture.

It was just bad enough that Vicky B had to be coaxed into going and good enough for me to grab a quick brew (so not a beer girl, but Hefeweizen w/ lots of lemon appeals to my Latin side). We enter the fine establishment and decide to sit in the corner because it's one of those wood-paneled places where every creepy perv looks you up and down because they're drunk enough to believe they actually have a chance of a hook up. So we keep a low profile, Vicky B playing bejeweled on my iPod as she is not drinking, and they serve me up a tall one, a huge one (that's what she said).

Can I just say on a side note, that the Regal Beagle has THE best drinking music one could ask for? Granted, it was chosen on a jukebox by other drunkards, but damn, those drinky mcgees have excellent taste. Here's just a sampling off the Regal Beagle Greatest Hits, Vol. 1 that I just made up the name for:

1. Wasted Days & Wasted Nights - Freddy Fender

2. Lying Eyes - The Eagles

3. Another Eagles song that sounds similar to that.

4. The Joker -Steve Miller Band

5. Volver - Vicente Fernandez

6. Always on My Mind - Willie Nelson

I felt like I needed to drown my sorrows and I didn't even know what kind of sorrows I had!

Back to the story. So there we were chilling. Lord knows we tried to be incognito, but we can't help that we're two cute chicks. All of sudden, a slurring drunken old man comes up to our high table. He keeps telling us how beautiful we both were and how we were the prettiest girls he'd ever seen. Alright, I can get behind the compliment, I'm shallow, but it really was making the both of us quite uncomfortable.

He asked us if we liked to fish... if you know us, you know the answer to that. Then, he kept slurring some mess about we are what we are, we is what we is, referring to Popeye. I kept saying "what he say?" cuz I couldn't hear him over the awesome music and I don't think I wanted to. Then he commanded us to both give him our hand. Us being stupid and scared, we went along with it hesitantly. Hey, you never know if a drunk is gonna get crazy. Let's just say like his hands looked like this:

EWWW!!!!! I can't believe we let him touch us. Had a firm grip on our hands too. But I was so confused and I didn't want him to attack us.

I distinctly heard him call me a "witch" and I was like "oookkaaayyy" and he said "oh oh, it's not a bad thing." So then you know what he did? He brought both Vicky B's and my hand together and it all made sense. He thought my BFF and I were a couple and that I was the DUDE who bewitched her into being with me. All the evidence was stacked up against me. I had my hair in a pony tail, an argyle cardigan, and I was the one drinking a beer. Hey, she could do worse.

So yeah, thanks drunk fisherman guy, I'm sure Vicky B and I will live happily ever after like we were doing already without your intervention. We're pretty hot lesbians apparently.

Thank God for Vicky B's cleanliness because she had wipes on-hand after the incident. We couldn't rub hard enough (that's what she said... again). Can't I just go to a local pub with my friend without being called a les? Drunk fisherman are haters! Well, I had fun.

Why I Hate Gravy Train, By Pistol

So, Gravy Train thinks I hate her. I will explain. She used to comment on my site and now she hasn't, and then suddenly she has returned....

I realize I can't live without her. I need her comments because like she has said, they are the life-blood of the blogging world, and believe it or not, her comments mean a lot to me. All of your comments mean a lot to me. I haven't been inspired to write anything these past couple days because I've been so pissed off by the Bachelor Season Finale. I can't believe it's bothered me so, even infecting my dreams. I will have to let that abuse of trust go. Kay, what was I talking about again?

Hot Geek Of The Week: Anderson Cooper

(Oh Anderson. Be still my heart. You make me so happy, just by looking at you)

Oh hi. Ahem, I did see you there. Perhaps YOU can see why Anderson Cooper is my pic for Hot Geek of the Week. For those who don't know who he is, and yes, sadly there are still some of you out there who don't (BLT, I'm looking at you), He's a news anchor on CNN. He hosts AC360 every weekday and he just KILLS it because he's hot and he cares about the issues and stuff. And he like goes to different countries and junk and cares about the people there... and like I said, stuff. And I mean come on, have you SEEN his biceps?!

Your WELCOME! I put more than one pic because I think you people deserve a little bit of eye candy. Oh and BLT, you know who you are, how can you think he's old. Looked it up. Only 41. Has had gray hair for years!
Oh and one more thing. Not to burst any hetero bubbles here, but once again I choose a geek who I don't think plays for my team. Kinda sad, I have a penchant for guys who will never want me. What's that about? Think Anderson, think!

(hmmm...)

Sacrifice.

Sometimes sacrifices need to be made. I'm not Catholic, but a lot of my friends are. So in solidarity of Lent, I have decided to give up the one thing I truly love in the whole world for 40 days and 40 nights: Diet Coke, well, any form of soda in general.

I didn't think it would be all that hard. But this is day 2 and I'm fiending for it. I think I've got the shakes and my skin itches (I don't think this is directly related with my hypochondria). TKG and I went out to eat at an establishment that requires you to get your own refreshment. "Diet, no ice" I say... no dice. She shoots me down for my own good. I had completely forgotten and would've put that tasty beverage to my lips! So wrong, yet so right!

I had been cutting back my intake of pop in recent months in an attempt to be healthier, but to completely cut it out of my diet - absurd! I apologize in advance if I am cranky with you next I see you. Hopefully you will understand.

Oh, Gravy Train & I have decided that Red Bull is not a soda, but an "energy drink." Not that I drink it often, but who knows what I am capable of. Vodka here I come! Oh and yummy Mineral Water - that has bubbles. Oh and club soda doesn't count. Granted it has the word "soda" in the title, but it has no flavor. Wait, does Ginger Ale count? Uh oh.

Another Weird Thing I Notice.

So I was watching Nick & Norah's Infinitely Playlist on DVD the other day. Kinda cute movie, bought it on a whim. The two main characters are attractive enough (well, Michael Cera is a dork, and the girl is definitely prettier). Anyway, I always noticed this in movies and you know what, it kinda creeps me out. And I noticed it in this movie:

Norah's head/face is bigger than Nick's head/face.

Why does that matter, you say? Because it does. See, I'm looking at them sucking face and I just can't buy it when the girl's head/face is bigger than the guy's head/face. I've never really mentioned this quirk to anyone before. See, my best friends and I have measured the circumference of our noggins before, but I never expressed at the time that I feel a guy I'm dating and/or are in a serious relationship with should at least have a bigger face than I do. It creeps me out otherwise. Something to think about.

Blond Lady At The American Red Cross: Why Do You Hate Me?

My blood is liquid gold. Goes to preemies. So I feel it is my civic duty to go every couple months to the Red Cross. However, this visit was unlike any other. There's this blond older lady that works at the American Red Cross in my community. I've seen her every time I've gone and she always looks likes she's extremely unhappy with the way her life is going.

She's one of those people who you know doesn't want to make small talk (I'm a small talk kinda girl). She's grumpy at all times, and that day was no exception. She asked me all the usual questions: Allergic to iodine blah blah blah. Proceeds to swab my arm for days (which they are supposed to), marks my veins, and then says I'll be right back don't move. Eek! Don't tell me not to do something, it just makes it harder not to move.

She doesn't come back for another 5 minutes it seems and I'm sitting there (trying not to move, but playing Bejeweled (on my iPod) with my other free hand. So she comes back, grabs my arm roughly, and proceeds to stick me... I see my blood is flowing real slow. Seeming perplexed, she decides to stick the needle DEEPER inside my skin. Ow. Seems to work for a moment. Hold up, not working, so she continues to move the needle even more. OW OW OW.

Imagine videos you've seen of liposuction, when they're burning all the fat off, that's how she looked moving that needle around under my skin. Finally, her mean-looking face softens up when she realizes how much she just effed me up. Oh, she says, I think the needle went into the tissue. I'm going to call Anh over. Yeah, whatever, you do that. If I had known wanted you to work that needle like a video game joystick, I would've gone elsewhere. I asked the Anh lady how did this happen, but apparently they are not allowed to blame idiots.

So there you have it. They couldn't use the blood I'd given (about 40% of a bag) because once the blood is clotted, they have to discard. You bastards! If I hadn't gotten my free 125th anniversary Red Cross Umbrella, I don't know what I would've done, it seemed to calm me. I'm traumatized, but I plan to be brave and go back someday.

Moral of the story: If you live in the Santa Clara Valley in California, Do not, I repeat, do NOT let the one blond lady touch you, at all! Have a friend at my work who gives blood and that same girl touched her, same thing! I look like a druggie. :-(

(Not my arm, but you get the point.)

I Think I'm In Luv.

Audi A5... 'nuff said. Tell me you see me in this next.

Hot Geek Of The Week: Ryan Buell

If you truly know me, you'd know that my Fridays are spent watching TV shows that consist of anything paranormal (haven't you figured out I have no life yet). The shows I tune into on a weekly basis are as follows: Ghost Adventures, Ghost Hunters (on Wednesdays), Most Haunted*, and Paranormal State. Now, technically Paranormal State airs every Monday on A&E (http://www.aetv.com/paranormal-state/), but if there's a re-run, I like to watch my DVR'ed episodes of PS.

Why is Ryan a hot geek of the week? I'll explain... He's a hot geek. See? That wasn't so hard. He hosts and directs the bitch that is Paranormal State the show. He went to Penn State (so he's educated), he started the Paranormal Research Society back in 2001 (he's an entrepreneur), and he has issues with acne (we have had something in common). So there you go. His monotone voices reaches right into my heart and makes me happy. That, and he golds up his shirts to his elbows and I am just a sucker for well-tailored button-down shirts, so he's definitely stepped his fashion game up. Oh, and he wears a long pea coat I adore! He makes me happy. Don't you want to see me happy?

Just a heads up, I didn't make this cheesy video, but I might as well have.



* = You could play a drinking game based on this British show. Everytime you hear them say in their accents "Did you hear that?" and they keep replaying it over an over and you DON'T hear anything? Take a shot. You'll be plastered by the end of it.

Things I'm Allergic To.

I just got my results back from my doctor, informing me what the heck I'm allergic to. In no particular order:

1. Dog Hair - Ya see people, I knew I wasn't a fan of dogs (at least really big ones). Take THAT to the bank potential future suitors. Notice my doc didn't mention CAT hair. (Yesssss)

2. Lawn Grass - Boring. Doesn't everybody get rashes sitting on freshly cut grass?

3. House Dust - I'm officially retiring from cleaning ANYTHING.

And finally, the most devastating of all....

4. ::quiet sob::... Almonds?!?! - Effin' almonds, are you KIDDING me? Seriously, are you JOKING? Because I HEART Almonds, and I never break out in hives or rashes, what's the deal? Were the blood testers asleep at the wheel? I'm so confused. I always have a 50/50 chance of breaking out into hives when I eat shrimp and yet no shellfish allergy in sight?!?! No friggin' way man, no WAY am I giving up my Mocha Almond Fudge Ice cream, that's my favorite, you can't take that away from me. Unh uh, not gonna happen.

I figured since I spend a bit more than $800 for a food and airborne allergy test, that the total comes out to approx. $200 per symptom. Dang.

Oh, and approx. 1 person excluding myself may have found this post interesting.

Cuban Coffee & Other Musings.

Ahhh... ya know, on a cold crisp day such as this, nothing fills the soul with so much faux love as Cuban Coffee. Just makes me happy is all. I'm starting to think my blog is more about food than anything, so I will try to balance it out with stories where I'm annoyed.

Now, for instance. I want to write my blog in paz (without people in my biz), but someone annoying me is in my vicinity and I can hear their voice like nails on a chalkboard. Go away already, this is intimate for me and you're ruining it lame-o.

Oh, and don't you hate it when people try to be all passo-aggro with you and you call them out and they're like, whatev. These same people eventually become serial killers because of anger management issues. Yeah, I really recommend you have your one cup of Cuban coffee today.

Tour de LANCE!

Okay so there's a big Tour of California Bike Race that goes on every year just outside my work. Literally, I don't even have to leave my office to get a glimpse of all the cyclists. The start line is 50 steps from the front door. So, I know, I'm lame, and I was excited to get a glimpse of Lance Armstrong, who was the star attraction. It was a terribly rainy day for a bike race, but my boy H (who is big into this sport) and my (his) girl Ness were pretty stoked so I met them outside.

I'm not going to lie to you, I heard the countdown while I went to grab my umbrella, so I missed the start, but I got to see the cyclists swing around again for one last look. And I missed seeing Lance with my eyes AGAIN. It was all a blur, they're so fast. Thank goodness for TKG taking a picture with her iPhone (thanks for getting your big ass head in the way, H). So if people ask me if I got to see Lance, I will say, yeah, yeah I did. And if you say, but Pistol, I read your blog and you said you didn't see him with your own eyes, I will deny it. You'll forget sooner or later.

(Lance is in the Yellow & Black Helmet)

Enjoy This While You Can!!!

Okay, I may have shared this with some of you, but come on, you know how HILARIOUS Stewie Griffin from Family Guy is. He made a video for a baby girl he fell in love with. That's right, he made it for her! Enjoy!

Chili's Tried To Hose Me.

So there I was at my work-local Chili's with TKG (That Kind Of Girl), and our server Ray (I like to get to know the names of people handling my food) takes our order. Gee, I realize I eat out a LOT more than I realized... anyhoo. I orded the Chicken Club tacos (so tasty). Now keep in mind that the menu has recently changed. They used to give you 3 tacos for $7.99, but they have now reduced the amount to 2 for the same price ($8.99 if you want 3). I was okay with that b/c I was going to ask Ray to make it 2, I hate to waste. This is the exact verbage from the menu:

"Two flour tortillas filled with mesquite chicken, chopped applewood smoked bacon, chipotle-ranch dressing, diced tomatoes, mixed cheeses and lettuce. Served with rice and black beans."

-side note, don't like the tomatoes and you all know I've tried.

This is what I got:

Um, Ray, yeah Ray, can you come back here cuz we have a problem. I sure as hell hope you're not trying to scam me by adding an extra taco we all know I didn't order. That last taco could've gone to other people man, it could've fed someone else for like a week (okay, I didn't say it like that), but I had pointed to what I wanted earlier and Ray was like, you want Guacamole with that (no). Did he ask if I wanted 3 tacos b/c apparently I looked like I wanted it: NO!

So I did inquire, Ray, I didn't ask for this, am I going to be charged for this? He was like oh, it's a $1 more for 3 tacos... I was like, but I didn't ask for it. Him: Normally we charge for the 3rd one, but I'll take it off, it's on the house.

Yeah, thanks dipshit for doing me such a grand favor, making it sound like I asked for it AND he was going to charge me for it. Glad I said something or he was going to try to hose me. Chump.

Oh and btw, he did try to charge me $8.99 which I pointed out before he showed me the new total, trying to make me look like a damn fool.

Blast You, Bejeweled 2!!!

So it's close to 10 o'clock last night, and slightly bored, I think, what the hey, I will go and download the Bejeweled 2 application for my iPod. I figured I've never paid for one so this should be fun...

TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK....

Um yeah, it's now 1 in the morning, I'm on level 32 and I have to work the next day. Whhhaaa?!?! How the heck did that happen? Granted I put it on the endless option, not knowing what I was getting into. I mean, shouldn't you LOSE at some point? Is this like the song that never ends? I'm soooo tired, I just start pawing at the ipod interface screen hoping that it would result in "no more moves" and yet nada, it's still going like an iTouch POSSESSED. How is this possible?! Finally, I give in to and said enough is enough, sleepy time is what I crave, so I went to quit and the game prompts me, "Save and Quit your Game?" ?????????? I did not even know that was an OPTION!! I could've been asleep 3 HOURS ago. Don't do what I did.

Hot Geek Of The Week: Jim Parsons

I've decided to name some of my favorite geeks on a weekly basis. If you know me, I have a thing for skinny geeks. This week is is Jim Parsons, who plays Sheldon Cooper on the CBS comedy "The Big Bang Theory." If you haven't checked out this show, what are you WAITING for.

http://www.cbs.com/primetime/big_bang_theory/

This guy MAKES the show. One of the best characters ever created and he doesn't get the play he deserves from critics. He's not hot from a universal standpoint, but I find his comedic timing to make me blissfully happy, thus stimulating my endorphins. Anyone who plays a physicist is okay in my book, especially one who thinks he's better than everybody else. I think the actor may not play for my team, but that's okay, I have a soft spot for him. Rock on Sheldon, rock on.

And They Said It Couldn't Happen.

I have odd fears. One of them is when people discard still-lit cigarettes out the window (with a complete disregard for other drivers), and that it may hop around on the asphalt, landing in my exhaust pipe and my car goes ka-boom. I gasp silently for a moment everytime that happens. Another random fear is that a plane (or plane part) will land on my house (surely there must be a name for it). Well, folks, it happened today in Buffalo New York. My heart goes out to the victims of this tragedy.

My Work Is My Pharmacy.

Ask and you shall receive.

So my bout with the asthma is turning into an all-out war between me and my nostrils. Pills and inhalers are working overtime. Seriously, there are like 6 different pill bottles in my purse... and I don't even have one of those huge purses... anymore.

Well, leave it to me to bitch and moan, wishing and hoping that I had a neti pot at my disposal. Lo and behold, a coworker of mine came around just in time to hear my "woe is me" story about a sinus infection and he goes, "Well, I have an unused one if you want it." Okay, WHA? This guys provides the ONE thing I need at that exact moment like a frickin' genie. I should call him Robin Williams cuz he grants wishes and sh*t. I mean seriously, who DOES that?!

The other day, I needed Mucinex. The receptionist had it. Wow, I hit the pharmaceutical JACKPOT, DING DING DING DING! I should ask for a million dollars next time. Did I say my work is my pharmacy? I should say they're more like my drug dealer... 'cept I've never done illegal drugs... awkward.

I could sure go for a sparkling Pelligrino right now. Ahh...

- Pistol

Valuable Lesson.

Blood tests are expensive. I repeat, blood tests are EXPENSIVE (see where the caps make a difference there, that was very important). I felt like the American Health system just R'ed me right now (If you know Buster from Arrested Development, you would get this reference). It's gonna cost me close to $900 for Allergy testing (Say WHA??). Look, they want my blood so bad, I will bust out with a sharp object, a sandwich bag, and a hell0-kitty band-aid and take care of this sh*t myself! If that would lower my bill by half, I would totally do it.

And do you think my medical insurance carrier covers this... sure they do... after you meet their $2,000 deductible requirement. Let's just say I'm getting closer to it. Did I mention my fiscal period ends in July, so then that $$$ goes back to zero starting July 1st. I should look up flights to Cuba, I hear good things.

Sigh... to make myself feel better, I watch this video. It just makes me so happy. Look at that lil' rascal fox when he realizes the awesome-ness that is a giant trampoline. I want a fox!

I've never lived until THIS moment.

Ahem. This is my first ever blog. Why did I create it? Well, besides the fact that business is slow and I'm bored as hell, I've just had a life-changing experience I wanted to share with the Universe: I had a Quarter-Pounder w/ Cheese from McDonalds and I've never felt more ALIVE!

See, I'm well past the quarter of the century mark (by about 5 years or so), and I have never experienced a QP w/ C before. Now I know what you're thinking. 1) That's crazy and 2), you just ate your day's worth of calories and week's worth of Sodium. Pish Posh I say to all the haters! So what if I'm a bit impressionable because of all those McDonald's commercials pushing this delectable product! I said, you know what, my brain DOES want to talk to my mouth about this and you know what, my mouth answered right back!

As much as cheese is my favorite food, I thought two slices of cheese could be overkill but you know what, my taste buds sure didn't mind. The food was so piping hot, the fries burned my tongue, but I kept chugging right along! The burger looked like a commercial the way the cheese way overlapping the quarter patty flawlessly, like it wasn't even TRYING!

I plan to be back on that eliptical in no time. YUM YUM YUM. Worth every calorie. I'm good on McD's for another 8 months or so. I finally get that scene in Pulp Fiction.

Still have a job,

Pistol